I just have 2 and a half more weeks of subbing. Some days I can't believe it has gone so fast. Other days... I have wondered if this is really what I want to do with my life! We've definitely had our share of good days and bad days (mostly good), but February 14th was the all-time low. It seemed like everything went wrong in every class that day!
1st hour: Prealgebra. "Why don't we every do anything fun in this class? I hate math!" This was after I had spent the weekend agonizing over the lessons I would teach that day and planning something that I thought was fun and not just another boring day. Oh, and to top it off, the Smartboard in the classroom was glitching so I couldn't write on it. I had to wing a geometry lesson for the first 2 classes on the chalkboard.
2nd hour: Prealgebra. They would not SHUT UP! :) Sorry, but that's exactly what I felt like saying. This was the worst class of the day by far. It was the same lesson as first hour, but they just did not seem into it and were doing everything to resist the different teaching style I was bringing to the table. I finished the lesson by just writing without talking so those that were paying attention might get something out of it. I gave them the assignment, but most had already given up at that point, they didn't care to try.
3rd hour: Prep time. Finally a break...feeling completely defeated and hopeless. They hate me, have no respect for me, I don't know how to teach them... these were just a few of the thoughts going through my mind as I began to cry. Something I never did when I was student teaching. I pulled myself together enough to go talk to the Assistant Principal. He had great ideas for me to try out for that class the next day... "It won't be an easy fix, but it won't be impossible either." ...thanks. At that point, I was desparate for any ideas because they sure weren't coming to me in my desparate state.
4th hour: Algebra. Praying for at least one class to go well today, just one! Different lesson this time. I did some examples on the board and the class was completely confused. Another disaster. Another something to fix tomorrow.
5th hour: Algebra. Scrambling to figure out a different way to teach it. I think it worked, but they were still confused. I was so out of my element at the point I wondered if anything I was saying anymore made sense.
6th hour: Prealgebra. Almost done! Oh yeah, this class has the toughest students of the day. I'm so exhausted at this point, looking back, I don't remember much about it. I think it went ok, but could've been better. At least it was better than the first 2 classes.
After school, I felt like CRAP. There's no other word to describe it. There aren't very many days where I have felt so awful and hopeless. I didn't stay long after school. I didn't have much brainpower to accomplish much anyways. I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to be a teacher... if I could be a teacher. I even thought about quitting as a long-term sub and letting someone else deal with it. There was no way I could survive the next 5 1/2 weeks with every day going the way this day had.
Well, those feelings continued through the evening and all night long. I didn't get much sleep thinking about the challenge that lay ahead of me the next day to turn things around. I did a lot of praying and even got a blessing. The main thing I remember from that blessing that I was blessed with progress. Things would get better...
...and they did. The next day, I used the suggestions I had been given and they worked! It wasn't perfect by any means, but the day went 100 times better. I had fixed what I could and was glad I felt some sort of success that day to keep me going.
Even though I have had some bad days, most days have gone well and make me sad that I'm almost done. I'm thankful for those bad days, though because they have taught me things about myself and teaching that I never learned as a student teacher.
Things I've learned:
1st hour: Prealgebra. "Why don't we every do anything fun in this class? I hate math!" This was after I had spent the weekend agonizing over the lessons I would teach that day and planning something that I thought was fun and not just another boring day. Oh, and to top it off, the Smartboard in the classroom was glitching so I couldn't write on it. I had to wing a geometry lesson for the first 2 classes on the chalkboard.
2nd hour: Prealgebra. They would not SHUT UP! :) Sorry, but that's exactly what I felt like saying. This was the worst class of the day by far. It was the same lesson as first hour, but they just did not seem into it and were doing everything to resist the different teaching style I was bringing to the table. I finished the lesson by just writing without talking so those that were paying attention might get something out of it. I gave them the assignment, but most had already given up at that point, they didn't care to try.
3rd hour: Prep time. Finally a break...feeling completely defeated and hopeless. They hate me, have no respect for me, I don't know how to teach them... these were just a few of the thoughts going through my mind as I began to cry. Something I never did when I was student teaching. I pulled myself together enough to go talk to the Assistant Principal. He had great ideas for me to try out for that class the next day... "It won't be an easy fix, but it won't be impossible either." ...thanks. At that point, I was desparate for any ideas because they sure weren't coming to me in my desparate state.
4th hour: Algebra. Praying for at least one class to go well today, just one! Different lesson this time. I did some examples on the board and the class was completely confused. Another disaster. Another something to fix tomorrow.
5th hour: Algebra. Scrambling to figure out a different way to teach it. I think it worked, but they were still confused. I was so out of my element at the point I wondered if anything I was saying anymore made sense.
6th hour: Prealgebra. Almost done! Oh yeah, this class has the toughest students of the day. I'm so exhausted at this point, looking back, I don't remember much about it. I think it went ok, but could've been better. At least it was better than the first 2 classes.
After school, I felt like CRAP. There's no other word to describe it. There aren't very many days where I have felt so awful and hopeless. I didn't stay long after school. I didn't have much brainpower to accomplish much anyways. I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to be a teacher... if I could be a teacher. I even thought about quitting as a long-term sub and letting someone else deal with it. There was no way I could survive the next 5 1/2 weeks with every day going the way this day had.
Well, those feelings continued through the evening and all night long. I didn't get much sleep thinking about the challenge that lay ahead of me the next day to turn things around. I did a lot of praying and even got a blessing. The main thing I remember from that blessing that I was blessed with progress. Things would get better...
...and they did. The next day, I used the suggestions I had been given and they worked! It wasn't perfect by any means, but the day went 100 times better. I had fixed what I could and was glad I felt some sort of success that day to keep me going.
Even though I have had some bad days, most days have gone well and make me sad that I'm almost done. I'm thankful for those bad days, though because they have taught me things about myself and teaching that I never learned as a student teacher.
Things I've learned:
- Not to take things so personally. It's not my job to have every student like me or like math for that matter. It's my job to teach them in the best way I know how.
- There will always be bad days, but things would never get better if we didn't have bad days to learn and grow from.
- Live in the moment. I can't fix every problem by agonizing over it. When I have time to relax, I'm going to take it and not think about what could go wrong. One or two hours of the day should not ruin the rest of my day or weekend.
- The best classroom management tool is to let the students know you care. While I care about each one of my students, I'm not perfect at communicating that to them all the time. On the days I do succeed with that (even if it's just one student), I am a happier person, and the day seems to go much better.
I know now that I do want to be a teacher. The successful days are so rewarding and there is always something to learn and opportunities to grow, especially when things don't go as planned.
