Love my job!

This school year has just zoomed by! So many thoughts keep zooming around in my head about everything that has happened, everything that I've learned in the past year.  I keep writing things and deleting them just as quick because I'm not sure what to pinpoint here, but I do know I have a lot to be thankful for.

For as long as I can remember, I would count down the days until the end of school. This usually started right around Christmas. That second half of the school year would drag on and on until I was finally free! Not this year. I LOVE my job. I love my students. I love love love love love it!!

I am exactly where I am meant to be. This is where I'm supposed to learn about who I should be. I'm not even close to being the loving, patient teacher (and person) that I should be but I am confident this school is where I will learn that.

A few things I've learned from students...

• Everyone needs love. It's such an obvious idea, but believe it or not, not everybody feels love from their family on a daily or even monthly basis. Everyone needs a place to go where they know people care about them. I love that my school does just that. I get it now so I'm working on it.

• Time is worth everything. If you can stop whatever it is you are doing to help someone with whatever they need, it shows them that they are important to you and it transforms a relationship. This is true for any relationship: student/teacher, husband/wife, parent/child. I have a habit of keeping myself busy and always trying to do a million things at once to get everything done. My best days are when I can stop, breathe, and be there.

• Have fun!!!!! For some reason this one is hard from me. It comes from always being a workaholic. That is fun for me. I get joy out of making lists and checking them off. Math can be a lot like that so I guess my definition of fun doesn't quite match the definition my students have. I laugh a lot with them and joke around, but I could definitely be better at that.

7 more days of school... I so look forward to summer where I can spend every day, all day with my boy. I am so lucky to have a job that allows me to work hard for about 9 months and have a couple months off. The to do lists have already begun. :)

Knock on Wood

Don't ever say to yourself, "It's so nice to not be in limbo this year."  That's exactly what I was thinking as the school year came to a close and I figured I would be back in the same place next year.  I didn't have to anticipate a new semester of college anymore because that chapter of life was done.  I didn't even have to search for a job because we all know how much fun that is!

Well, I was wrong.  Very wrong.  Just a couple of days after thinking that, I was "let go".  "You mean even though you gave me a letter inviting me back to teach next year?"  "Sorry that letter has no weight when it comes to losing budget."  Great.  Thanks for jumping the gun on that one.

Why me?  Of course that's what I asked myself.  Should I even look for a position? Should I stay home? IS there even a position anywhere?  It was pretty late in the game at that point.  Or so I thought.

There are a lot of reasons why I want to keep teaching.  I love how rewarding it is!  Every day is different and there's always room to grow and learn.  I want to avoid having my teaching license expire if I put off teaching for 3 years. But most of all it's rewarding.

I also saw the benefit of staying at home.  I love spending time with Talon all day.  It's so rewarding to spend my energy being a homemaker and mother full-time. 

Not only was I in limbo... I was on a rollercoaster and I couldn't see the track in front of me.  I decided to look for a job and if it didn't work out, that was fine too.

I found an opening 5 minutes from my house AND it was only 4 days a week.  That was definitely doable.  Well, small-town politics seemed to be in the mix.  Now THAT was an awkward interview.  "Just go in there and be yourself and even if it doesn't work out that's all that matters.  It's all about who you know anyways," says the secretary just moments before I walk in to the interview.  Wow thanks for the pep talk!  I told myself it wouldn't matter either way, but I was bummed when the rejection letter showed up.

I heard of another opening, but this one was 30 minutes away.  Unfortunately there weren't any closer options this late in the game.  "What the heck.  It's worth a shot.  If nothing else it will be good interview practice."

This time the interview was perfect!  They offered me the job right on the spot.  Our personalities even seemed to click.  At one point they even asked me if I had seen the interview questions beforehand!  I asked if they could do part-time.  They said sure.  I said I would have to think about it.

It was nice to feel wanted, but more than that, this felt like a perfect fit.  So after the weekend I called back and said YES.  I will be teaching math at a high school that caters to an "at-risk" population.  I know it will be a challenge but I am excited.  Somehow the teachers there are 100% there for the students first and foremost.  The students WANT to come to school.  I've got a big job ahead of me and a lot to live up to, but I am excited!  I can't think of a better place to grow as a teacher and love what I do even more.

It's sad to see summer go and know my time with Talon will be more limited but I know this is where I need to be.  Even with the longer commute, I won't be away from home any longer than I was last year which I'm stoked about.  I don't think it will ever be easy to see the lazy summer months fade away and along with it full-time mommyhood.  It just won't. 

But, if I can influence even one student for the better, it will be worth it.

Teaching - Until We Meet Again

In an unexpected turn of events, it turns out I won't be teaching next year.  To make a long story short, the school I taught at lost funding for one half-time teacher (which is me since I'm not tenured), and there are no other options at this point.  I was devastated when I found out!  I love teaching, and I want nothing more to keep teaching!  I was excited with the direction my school was taking with math and I couldn't wait to start planning my curriculum this summer. 

As hard as it is to be let go from my job, I am ecstatic for the chance I have to stay home with Talon this year.  I really believe that there is a reason I need to be home and not working... I just don't know what that reason is yet.  If the only reason is that I get to spend more time with my boy then I'll take it!

9 more days of school - so bittersweet.

Classroom Shakeout

Today we did an Earthquake Drill at school in honor of the Utah Shakeout. It was announced that we would be doing the drill and then evacuating the building for a fire drill. A sweet student came up to me before class and asked if she could stay inside during the drill because it scared her. I could see the fear in her eyes, but I told her I couldn't leave anyone behind for the drill. I did, however, ask her to wait and be the last one out of the door with me.

As the pretend earthquake started, picture 30 8th graders screaming and running for cover. Don't ask me how running was involved when all they needed to do was get under their desk, but some sure managed to include it in the chaos. It was so loud, I could hardly hear the announcement saying that the earthquake had ended. Was the loudness necessary? No. Was it fun for a group of 13 year-olds? You bet. Were they taking this seriously? Ha! You've got to be kidding!!

Amidst the chaos, I took a moment to watch my scared student. As the fire alarm went off, I could see her sitting in her desk, closing her eyes and plugging her ears. It definitely tugged at my heart to see her so scared. We left the building and while we were leaving the school grounds I asked her how she was doing. She said she was ok and I asked which part of the drill scared her and why it would have helped to stay inside with all the noise. She went on to tell me that seeing everybody leaving the school in a crowd reminds her of an actual earthquake she had experienced.

This student lived in Japan during the big Tsunami they had about a year ago. While her town was not affected by the ocean waves, they did feel the earthquake in a major way. She remembers being on the 4th floor of her school when it happened and how scared she and everybody else around her felt. After that, earthquake drills were taken much more seriously by everybody. Even the boys! I was so touched by her story, I asked if she would feel comfortable relating it the the class when the drill was over. She agreed and WOW, you could hear a pin drop in that classroom, they were so fixated on her story.

This is one of those moments that reminds me of why I love being a teacher. I learn so much from my students. This girl went from terrified to courageous as she explained why something as simple as an earthquake drill should be taken seriously, because when it happens for real, you don't want to waste time wondering what you should be doing. Earthquakes are real and they happen when you least expect it. People lose their lives in the tragedy, their homes, their security. Usually, when I hear of natural disasters in a far away place, I just shrug it off. It didn't affect me, so why go there. I feel bad that it happened, but it's easier to not dwell on it. Today, it hit a little closer to home. I still don't like thinking about it, but we need to in order to be prepared. It's hard to imagine that so much destruction can happen in almost an instant. How do you prepare for something that destroys EVERYTHING??? We're due for an earthquake in who knows how many decades, years, months? What things would you do to prepare?

I got a job!

It's amazing how things fall into place in unexpected ways. In February and March, I spent 6 weeks in an 8th grade math class as a sub. By no exaggeration, it was torture. I wondered every day if I had chosen the right career path. I like to think that we had more good days than bad, but the word good in this case is relative. I almost quit after a few days after a particularly horrible day, but I decided to stick with it. I wanted to have fun there, but it seemed like the more I had fun, the less classroom control I had. So, I had to be mean, and I hated being mean, so I was not enjoying myself. I knew there was a better medium between being mean and having fun, but I couldn't figure it out as a sub. Close to the end of the 6 weeks, I had a student ask me if I was mad that day...
Student: "Are you mad today?"
Me: "No I'm not."
Student: "That's a first."
Might as well stick a knife through my heart! I cared so much for these students. There is no way I would have stuck around the whole time to be tortured if I didn't!

I hoped more than anything that an experience as the actual classroom teacher would be better. It had to be! I waited a couple months to let the icky feelings from the sub job to settle and then started looking for a teaching job. I only wanted to work part-time so I decided to try for a part-time job and if it didn't work out, then I was not meant to have a teaching job.
During the process, I got an email from the assistant principal from where I was a sub. He said they were going to have a math teaching position and that I would be at the top of their list if I decided to apply. I let him know that I wanted a part-time position so that they wouldn't get surprised if they decided to hire me. I took a resume to the school and waited. During the next few weeks, I applied other places and waited. After about a month, I decided to email them and I got a call back the next day asking to schedule an interview!

The principal talked to me before the interview, "You don't have to worry about anything. You've already proven yourself here, we just have to go through the interview process, but you're at the top of our list." Great!
During the interview:
"We have 2 math positions open and their both full-time. Would you consider teaching full-time."
"I want part-time, if I have some time to decide then I could consider a full-time position. How much time do I have to make a decision?"
"We understand. We need a decision by tomorrow."
I felt great about the interview. I had a job if I wanted one, but I had to decide if I wanted to work full-time or not. I went to my job at the university. While I was there I got a call from the school. "We really don't want to lose you, so we're going to offer you a part-time position teaching math and science. Think it over. You have the job so let us know if you want part-time or full-time." YES!!!! I was happy to take the part-time position! Such a relief!

I can't believe we are already halfway throught the school year. I love teaching!
Student: "Did you know that you are a really good math teacher?"
No I didn't but thanks for letting me know. My experience as a teacher has been 100 times better than subbing! I'm glad for both experiences because the first taught me a lot about myself as a teacher and the second has allowed me to use those things I learn and have a good time as the teacher in the classroom.

To be or not to be... a teacher

I just have 2 and a half more weeks of subbing. Some days I can't believe it has gone so fast. Other days... I have wondered if this is really what I want to do with my life! We've definitely had our share of good days and bad days (mostly good), but February 14th was the all-time low. It seemed like everything went wrong in every class that day!

1st hour: Prealgebra. "Why don't we every do anything fun in this class? I hate math!" This was after I had spent the weekend agonizing over the lessons I would teach that day and planning something that I thought was fun and not just another boring day. Oh, and to top it off, the Smartboard in the classroom was glitching so I couldn't write on it. I had to wing a geometry lesson for the first 2 classes on the chalkboard.

2nd hour: Prealgebra. They would not SHUT UP! :) Sorry, but that's exactly what I felt like saying. This was the worst class of the day by far. It was the same lesson as first hour, but they just did not seem into it and were doing everything to resist the different teaching style I was bringing to the table. I finished the lesson by just writing without talking so those that were paying attention might get something out of it. I gave them the assignment, but most had already given up at that point, they didn't care to try.

3rd hour: Prep time. Finally a break...feeling completely defeated and hopeless. They hate me, have no respect for me, I don't know how to teach them... these were just a few of the thoughts going through my mind as I began to cry. Something I never did when I was student teaching. I pulled myself together enough to go talk to the Assistant Principal. He had great ideas for me to try out for that class the next day... "It won't be an easy fix, but it won't be impossible either." ...thanks. At that point, I was desparate for any ideas because they sure weren't coming to me in my desparate state.

4th hour: Algebra. Praying for at least one class to go well today, just one! Different lesson this time. I did some examples on the board and the class was completely confused. Another disaster. Another something to fix tomorrow.

5th hour: Algebra. Scrambling to figure out a different way to teach it. I think it worked, but they were still confused. I was so out of my element at the point I wondered if anything I was saying anymore made sense.

6th hour: Prealgebra. Almost done! Oh yeah, this class has the toughest students of the day. I'm so exhausted at this point, looking back, I don't remember much about it. I think it went ok, but could've been better. At least it was better than the first 2 classes.

After school, I felt like CRAP. There's no other word to describe it. There aren't very many days where I have felt so awful and hopeless. I didn't stay long after school. I didn't have much brainpower to accomplish much anyways. I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to be a teacher... if I could be a teacher. I even thought about quitting as a long-term sub and letting someone else deal with it. There was no way I could survive the next 5 1/2 weeks with every day going the way this day had.

Well, those feelings continued through the evening and all night long. I didn't get much sleep thinking about the challenge that lay ahead of me the next day to turn things around. I did a lot of praying and even got a blessing. The main thing I remember from that blessing that I was blessed with progress. Things would get better...

...and they did. The next day, I used the suggestions I had been given and they worked! It wasn't perfect by any means, but the day went 100 times better. I had fixed what I could and was glad I felt some sort of success that day to keep me going.

Even though I have had some bad days, most days have gone well and make me sad that I'm almost done. I'm thankful for those bad days, though because they have taught me things about myself and teaching that I never learned as a student teacher.

Things I've learned:

1. Not to take things so personally. It's not my job to have every student like me or like math for that matter. It's my job to teach them in the best way I know how.
2. There will always be bad days, but things would never get better if we didn't have bad days to learn and grow from.
3. Live in the moment. I can't fix every problem by agonizing over it. When I have time to relax, I'm going to take it and not think about what could go wrong. One or two hours of the day should not ruin the rest of my day or weekend.
4. The best classroom management tool is to let the students know you care. While I care about each one of my students, I'm not perfect at communicating that to them all the time. On the days I do succeed with that (even if it's just one student), I am a happier person, and the day seems to go much better.

I know now that I do want to be a teacher. The successful days are so rewarding and there is always something to learn and opportunities to grow, especially when things don't go as planned.

Limbo

I feel like my life is in limbo right now. My next big adventure is subbing for a teacher that is going on maternity leave. She is due February 5th so I could start subbing any day now!!! The closer it gets, the more anxious I get knowing that I could get a call today asking me to be there tomorrow ready to teach 5 classes of 8th graders! I feel like it's one of those things where I won't feel ready until I get there. I've visited the classroom a few times and I'm somewhat familiar with her procedures. She even has a detailed outline of each day and the worksheets I will need to use. There's nothing to stress about there. I guess the main thing I'm worried about is making an impression the very first day that even though I'm a sub, class still needs to function just as well as it did with their own teacher. I've been visiting the classroom so the transition can go as smoothly as possible... I guess I just feel like that first impression is so important and I need to be ready for that with very short notice... but I don't feel like I'm there yet. I don't know what more I can do to feel ready. I guess I will just have to wait for that phone call and make the best of it! Hopefully the first day will go smoothly and I won't have to worry about it! Sorry for the rambling. My thoughts are all over the place right now. I'm guessing after the first day I will feel a lot better about it, but until then....

On a lighter note, we find out whether we're having a girl or a boy in 6 days!!! I'm so excited! It's like Christmas all over again but better. I'm excited to be able to do some shopping for the baby and paint the nursery. I've been feeling the baby kick more and more which is amazing! I am 19 weeks today so 1 more week and I'll be halfway there! I can't even believe it.

I am a teacher...

...well, a student teacher. Most of the people who read this blog (if not all) already know that, but I feel like I'm finally to the point where I can say "I'm a teacher" and not feel like I'm lying to myself. School started this Thursday, so I spent Thursday and Friday in the classes where I will be student teaching. It's fun to see the teachers at work in the first week and pay attention to how they build their procedures and the student/teacher relationship. Until now, I never realized how important those first few days are in setting the tone of the class that will definitely affect the whole rest of the school year!

This conversation happened on day one:

Mrs B: This is Mrs. H, she will be the lead teacher for your class. and Ms. S will usually just be sitting in the back taking notes.

Student: Are they student teachers?

Mrs B: Yes they are student teachers.... raise your hand if you've had a student teacher before (nearly everyone raises their hand).....okay, raise your hand if you hated your student teacher (EVERYONE keeps their hand raised!!!!).

Mrs. B did go on to say that this should be a very different experience than they have had before.... that she went to the University and saw that we were the best and handpicked us for her classroom. I sure hope she's right! I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to convince all of these 13 and 14 year olds not to hate me or my teaching. I'm more concerned that they don't hate my teaching, but if they like me that's definitely a bonus.

The class this happened in is the class that I will be taking over by the end of this week. They are a group of 36 fun, rambunctious adolescents that may or may not care about what I have to teach them about math. So, ready or not here I come! My philosophy right now: Fake it 'til you make it. I may be scared to death and feel like I have no clue what I'm doing. As long as the students don't know that I'm good, right?

When I grow up...

Recently, I have visited the classroom of the teacher that I will be working with when I student teach in the fall (I'll call her Mrs. B.). I will be team-teaching with a friend and fellow student teacher from my program. We will be working with Mrs. B. this summer to put together our syllabus and curriculum for the classes we will be teaching. Typically, fall student teachers begin 2 or 3 weeks after school has already started, but we will be starting from day 1 as the "real teacher." Mrs. B. said that she doesn't even want the students to know that we're student teachers. This is great, because I think I will get more respect from the students if they see me as their main teacher and not as someone that's in the way of their actual teacher, but I am SCARED TO DEATH! The problem with it is that I have yet to see myself as a teacher, much less how to lead a class from the first week on! I still feel so much like a student that I'm having trouble flipping the roles. I've been out of high school for 3 years and married for nearly 2, but I still feel super young when it comes to these things! Since I see myself this way, I feel that others do too. I'm afraid that the students will see right through me and figure out that they can walk all over me. I guess I don't see myself as "adult" enough to tell "kids" what to do. In the teacher education classes I'm told to be assertive, not passive, to be their teacher, not their friend. I agree with this 100%, but I have trouble making it a reality.

I am hoping with the next 3 months to prepare, I can change my mindset and become a genuine teacher in my own mind. Now enough about my insecurities with teaching, here is a short, humorous, video clip (aroung 11 minutes) about how math should be taught and how it is not taught in the best way in most math classrooms. It was great inspiration to me to do what it takes to get kids excited about math and involved in conversations about it because "math is the vocabulary for your own intuition."